I Hate Flip-flops, Birkenstocks and Crocs (and always will)

April 8, 2010

That title should be a song I never listen to. I’ve written before about how much I hate flip flops and similar such foot sacrilege. That stupid flapping sound flip flops make with every step of each foot makes me insane like a clock ticking being the only audible sound in an otherwise quiet room. I hate the way they separate the big toe from the other four toes. Why can’t all the toes get along? Most importantly I just don’t want to see people’s naked feet and it’s always the people with hideous feet that want to show them off like an award they won. If you bother to cover the bottom then why not cover the top as well? Americans’ feet are a serious source of nausea for me and the main reason I avoid the malls in the spring and summer.

I was thinking about it today and I think what I really hate about most women’s feet is number one the size of them, especially big feet on a skinny chick. It looks like a female clown. I also noticed that race matters when it comes to feet as well. White women and black women have the worst feet. A lot of black women have really beat up feet from wearing shoes that don’t fit trying to impress the fellas. The problem with white women’s feet is that when they’re not tan the top of their feet is white and the bottom is damn near red. I find that contrast disturbing…….yes disturbing. It almost looks like their feet are bleeding and many times their heels are actually bleeding (sometimes they wear bandaids on them……….yuck!!!!!!), which tells you they wear heels most of the other time. At least black women with ugly feet will admit their feet are ugly. White women walk around like they’re Cinderella waiting for the prince to return the slipper. I’d rather have a woman with no legs at all than one with ugly feet attached to them.

Latinas and Asians tend to have smaller feet from what I’ve seen and not nearly as much contrast between the top and the bottom. That creates a look of continuity that I find appealing. I know it sounds like I’m neurotic about feet or that I have some sick fetish. Actually I have an anti-fetish. I really, really hate ugly feet and I hate people with ugly feet that think they have pretty feet. Pretty feet on women are small, well pedicured with no visible external damage like corns, bunions or hammertime!!! They’re also soft to the touch not that anyone would know that from looking at them unless they’re ashy like chalk. I have seen white and black women with pretty feet but most of the ones with sexy feet probably never reveal them to the public except for toeless high heels. Flip-flops, birkenstocks and crocs look like something you should wear when rock-climbing or water skiing. They are not appropriate for even the most informal of social occasions. They are way too close to barefoot for my comfort.

I wish I could write tickets to women with bad feet. Maybe that is my calling. I could start the Bad Feet Patrol and raise money for homeless people with the fines. For God’s sake ladies get an unbiased opinion and second opinion on your feet. If they both come back bad then spare us those tree-climbing, prehensile grappling hooks please. You look like a werewolf that didn’t complete the transformation due to a lunar eclipse and you embarrassing yourself and humanity. Stay out of the mall with those too!!! Then I can shop in peace without fear of being bled to death by those hedge clippers. I really feel for the person sharing the sheets with you. They must have thick skin or thick blood that clots really quickly. I’m guessing the sheets are red. I won’t even post any pictures because I need to be able to read this without vomiting. My final advice to you is to take up funambulism. That’s right……..tightrope walking. You would be a shoe-in, pun intended, since you could never possibly lose your balance walking on those things.


  1. Hello blogger- you are very uptight and I feel sorry for your inability to let loose. And fyi- feet are cleaner than hands, it’s a well known fact. Get a grip and stop looking at our free toes if it bothers you so bad. I have sexy feet and love flip flops!

    • Everybody has a “THING” about something and mine is ugly feet or what I consider ugly feet. Maybe you should post a picture of yours so I can decide for myself. Yours are probably prime candidates for ugly which is why you complained about my complaining. If I’m wrong then just let me be myself. I don’t have to like feet, whether they are attractive or not. Everything doesn’t need to be cured or fixed or conformed to the status quo. People are just different.

      That is what is wrong with this country. There is no tolerance for anything anymore. Everyone thinks their way is the only and the best way. We all try to be so different on the outside to express our personal style but in the end we are all just alike on the inside……..selfish to the core and unconcerned about the plight of others suffering all over the world. I know that was a tangent but I’ll never change the things about me that make me unique on the inside. I could care less about the outside. Most people are the opposite.

  2. I hear you brother! cool site man- also I could not stop laughing when I read this article- my sides hurt, its not that I disagree with you,its that you have such a funny way of putting this over, so illustrative , so abrupt. haha! later my friend.

  3. This is hysterical!!! And you know what? You’re absolutely right!! I’m a woman.. and I like flip flops in the summer but I can tell you I make damn sure that everything is looking the way they’re suppose to look before I put them on.

    I also know how to walk in flip flops so they don’t make that noise.. I HATE THAT NOISE.. and have actually called people lazy for just slopping theirs around.

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