Angry because they’re alone. Alone because they’re angry.

November 3, 2009

I keep hearing all of these excuses that blame black men for the high rates of single unwed black mothers. A few are true but most are not. For instance it is said that there are simply too many women for the amount of men. That is true but not by that much. There is the truism that black men are dating outside of their race now. That is very true but the reasons for this trend are rarely stated. Black women drive black men away from them by being too headstrong and by trying to assume the role of the man in their relationships. It has nothing to do with being a strong black woman. It has everything to do with being controlling and manipulative toward the destruction of the relationship and often the entire family.

I was in a club last night and watched a black woman walk up to her friend whom she had let borrow her car. She started yelling at her and then she attacked her friend with a paroxysm of punches. Men had to jump in to stop the affray. I wondered what had happened and later found out that the friend had let her boyfriend borrow the car and he had been gone for four hours so the black woman had a reason to be upset. She did not have a reason to strike her friend. Why do black women feel they have the God-given right to assault people when they get upset without having being physically assaulted themselves? Where is this level of rage coming from and, more importantly, how do we get it under control or stop it?

I was browsing the local sheriff’s web site a few days ago to see who had been arrested on Halloween night and almost half of the them were black women who had committed assault and battery on someone. I have been recently attacked by a black woman as well who broke my nose when I refused to pay for her meal at a restaurant. This is deviant behavior and needs to be addressed as such. Say what you want about the cycle of single unwed mothers because the fathers are in jail or deadbeats but it’s black women who are making these terrible, life-impacting decisions. You are never more angry than when you are angry at yourself and black women are seething at themselves for making bad choices when it comes to men.

I believe another factor in the singleness of black women is the inability of many of them to communicate their feelings outside of anger and the “drama queen” mentality. I have seen several very attractive women at the bank where I work today in downtown Charlotte. I smiled at them and they just looked at me like I was some scum from the bottom of the ocean. This happens all the time to me and my black male friends. Black women have a chip on their shoulders and believe the world owes them something. It is false bravado to be sure but it nevertheless is creating a visceral undercurrent of black male-female hatred.

If the black community wants to reverse this negative trend of 70% or more of of black mothers being single and unwed then we have to get black women to stop having children when they are young. Obviously black young women are feeling abandoned and alone and are seeking comfort in the wrong ways and from the wrong people. It’s not anyone’s fault but yours when you choose a thug over a college-educated, stable, felony-free black man. It’s not anyone’s fault but yours when you falsely associate masculinity and machismo with the lack of intimacy, joblessness, recklessness and irresponsbility that is characteristic of thugs. That is self-hatred.

Black women have allowed the media via radio, tv and Hollywood to their minds instead of thinking clearly for themselves. It’s probably depression. It’s probably not getting enough exercise as well, which prevents depression. Angry black women know that their actions will lead them to unhappiness but they refuse to change their ways because many of them are afraid of what other people think. They don’t want to break up their little girlfriend support groups which takes us back to the abandonment issues. No one can make you happy but yourself. Another person can make you more happy or add another dimension to your happiness but you have to have a foundation of self-worth first that is unshakable. Most black women do not have it. In fact most women period do not have it. I’ll take it even further. Most men and women don’t have it. That is why relationships today are doomed to failure. Rinse, lather, repeat.

When you blame all of your problems on others it ultimately prevents you from examining the root cause in yourself. Black women buy into the media hype that black men are all gay or that we are all in prison. Nothing could be further from the truth. Black women just don’t feel like putting any effort into finding a good black man. They are out there, sometimes right in front of their faces without the baggy jeans, gold chains, grills and dreadlocks. I am one of them but I am constantly rebuffed by black women who seem to feel that they all deserve Lil Wayne or Tyrese or some other Hollywood fantasy that will never happen and wouldn’t make them happy even if it did.

Another thing that black women, and women in general, need to get over is the tradition of chivalry and men pursuing women. Those days are over. Yes there are still plenty of men who are strung out on sex who will play these pathetic gender roles but we are living in a gender neutral society today. Women need to be prepared to walk up to a man they don’t know who they find attractive and ask him out on a date or get his number to converse later. Black women simply refuse to do this. They will sit in a corner or at the bar at a club and then go home mad complaining about no black men being available when they made no effort to produce desirable results. Men are not going to chase black women anymore because many black men, and men period, are afraid of black women. The loneliness that many of them feel comes out as hot-headed anger that leads to violence on many occasions. Who wants to chase that?

Black women have gotten mentally hooked on living the high life without doing anything to achieve that goal. BET is largely to blame for this in my opinion. Black women fantasize about having a rich thug, the best of both worlds. It never happens. That’s why it’s a fantasy. This is why black men do not hang around after sex anymore. We hit and split because many young men believe that manhood is about making babies and pulling a trigger. Many black women make judgments about black men just from looking at us because the media has planted the image in your mind. So if a black man doesn’t look like a thug or like he has money then most black women will simply put you on the Do Not Call or Do Not Answer list.

Many black women have become lost in their quest for material possessions and the meaningless niceties of life. They have completely succumbed to consumerism and cast aside all spirituality that is required for true happiness in life. If the black church were doing its job this would not be so but I see no way to reverse the trend. It is not illegal to be shallow and materialistic and prone to making dumb choices in life that end up negatively branding your race. Ultimately if black women really want to be happy they need to cultivate a mindset that produces the positive results-oriented actions that lead to an increase in the likelihood of success in finding true happiness. Right now as it stands, black women are their own worst enemies because they don’t know who they are. They just want to mimic Rihanna.


  1. I’m a black woman. I’m currently enrolled in an Ivy League school. I’m not violent, angry, or aggressive. I exercise regularly and wear a size two. I have long, real hair, and I don’t wear fake nails. I speak proper English. I am in no way intimidating, unless the prospect of an intelligent black woman is frightening to you (which seems to be the case for many black men.) I have no children and have never been pregnant. I’ve never assaulted anyone, committed any crime, or been arrested for any reason.

    Having said this, most black men out there wouldn’t give me the time of day, simply because I’m black. Being with women of other races is a novelty for many black men. I would argue many black men choose non-black partners because of their own inferiority complexes; they realize society’s negative perspectives about them, so they think snatching up a white woman will somehow make them equal with white men–which, sadly, is false.

    This is all based on anecdotal evidence, as is yours. However, I know many black men who have passed up myriad slim, attractive, intelligent, pleasant black women and have ended up with obese, dimwitted, aggressive white women, simply because they enjoy the novelty of that whiteness. I know some black men who will do anything to touch a white woman, even if he can only get to a chubby, pasty one with stringy hair and a couple of kids.

    I am currently in a relationship with a black man–the only black man I have ever dated. I can honestly say it is the worst experience of my life. He verbally disrespects me on a daily basis, despite the fact that I treat him with the utmost respect. I do not emasculate him; despite being a busy graduate student, I cook and clean for him, refrain from nagging him, and deny him nothing. By now, you’re thinking “That’s what you get for dating a thug!” But there, you are wrong. This black man is no thug; he is a college-educated engineer. I have no interest in thugs, and neither do most of the educated black women I know.

    Why won’t I leave him? Well, why should I? Diatribes against black women, such as your own, constantly reaffirm my beliefs that black women aren’t desirable to anyone. People judge me not based on my character, or even my overall appearance, but merely based on my skin color; and when most people make these judgments, they apply the same stereotypes and over-generalizations you have used in this polemic. Since humans are inherently social creatures, why would I leave my partner and risk being alone, when no one else would have any interest in a black, female demon such as myself?

    I have dated white men, white women, black women, and a black man. I can honestly say, that my best experiences have been with black women and white men. Black men seem to have forgotten how to respect women, whether they’re dating them or not. Maybe the attractive black women you smile at glare at you because they’ve spent the day being verbally–and sometimes physically–accosted on the street by black men, something I myself endure on a daily basis. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been grabbed and groped on the street, how often I’ve been followed and shouted at, and sometimes threatened when I don’t respond to sexual innuendos and propositions–and before you ask, yes, I dress quite conservatively. I still manage to smile at people–including black men–who look like they’re respectful and respectable human beings, but I wouldn’t be surprised if many black women wouldn’t. Maybe you resemble the thugs on the street more closely than you believe, and these women simply don’t want to be harassed anymore.

    As much as black men glorify white women, they’re no picnic, either; nearly all the white women I’ve dated have been passive-aggressive liars and incorrigible cheats. Women of all races are somewhat difficult to deal with; to assume black women are the only ones with issues is absurd. In my opinion, women’s irritating idiosyncrasies reflect the manner they are treated by society; white women do as they please and are spoiled because society treats them like princesses, regardless of their behavior; while black women are bitter and defensive because society constantly reminds them that they are ugly and undesirable.

    I find it very interesting that many black men seem to judge black women based on a sample drawn from hoodrats and felons. I feel sorry for you; even most white people have better sense than this. If you date the type of woman who is willing to assault you over a date, perhaps you do not deserve to be with a good black woman. I’ve never dated a woman who has punched me for any reason because I date people who have some class. Maybe you should stop trying to meet women in the club.

    I am incredulous that you dismiss the high rate of black male incarceration–and thus, the absence of father figures–as being deleterious to the black community. (My boyfriend’s black father has been absent for the past 1.5 decades; perhaps that explains something.) I’m equally surprised that black men love to throw around statistics about black women being unwed, then blame the entirety of the problem on black women. Well, black women are earning college degrees at TWICE the rate of black men. How can it be said that we’re not making an effort? How can black women seek out “good black men” with college degrees when there are so few? As my current boyfriend indicates, not all college-educated black men are good men. Furthermore–and this is no offense to anyone–not all college degrees have equal value. If I got my degree from Harvard and you got yours from the University of Phoenix, where do we stand? I’ve met many black men who have graduated from college (particularly HBCUs) who can barely form a coherent sentence, much less carry on an intelligent conversation. Additionally, most of the black men I now from my undergraduate institution were openly homosexual. So, ruling out the gay graduates, the ones who are just jerks in general, and the ones who weren’t really that intelligent to begin with and only got degrees because they attended unimpressive colleges, there is an even smaller pool of educated black men from which one can choose…but wait! Most of them would rather saw off their own legs than be with a black woman! I think the black community would be better off if black women learned to date outside their race and stopped holding out for black men who clearly don’t want them, and who oftentimes aren’t worth the time it takes to wait for them.

    Black women and black men are both at fault. Period. No other race is performing as poorly as we are, overall, and it is not one sex’s fault over the other. The black community is failing, and black men are not helping by pointing the finger at black women. My response is one-sided because your article was; I realize that black women have faults. However, your article nauseated me somewhat. Yes, it made me defensive. I guess I’m just another angry black woman. (I’m actually quite passive when people aren’t maligning my ENTIRE demographic)

    As a side note: you accuse black women of being too headstrong and failing to allow men to be “the man” in the relationship; then, you continue to say that we live in a gender neutral society, that such roles are dead and gone, and black women essentially need to just get over it. Which one is it?

    (P.S. What on earth does Rihanna have to do with anything?)

    • I agree with everything you said except the thing about your bf. You sound beautiful, intelligent, and classy. Do not stay with a man who treats you poorly just because he is black! If you weren’t black, he’d treat you better! That’s just what bm think of bw. It’s pathetic. Leave him and date nbm. Men of all races love bw! Check out this site:


      Good Luck! Please leave him!

  2. I typed “now” when I should have typed “know” somewhere in there. Now, off to class I go! I’ve spent enough time on this.

  3. Are you saying that you are bisexual? Same-sex relationships are a different beast but I take exception with a few of your comments. It doesn’t matter how successful you are as a black woman. What matters is if you love yourself so that you will not tolerate anyone who does not love you? If you are tolerating anyone that mistreats you then he is a thug, regardless of his clothes, speech or criminal record. Don’t get caught up in the words.

    You say “This black man is no thug; he is a college-educated engineer. I have no interest in thugs, and neither do most of the educated black women I know.” Educated black men can be thugs in the way they treat women. You don’t have to dress and speak the part if you act it. Many of these men emulate thugs just to get and keep women in servility with low self-esteem. It seems you are no exception to this rule. I understand that many women woudl rather tolerate a bad man than be alone but you will never find the right person until you sever all ties and that includes booty calls.

    You are correct about some black men dating white women as trophies. This should not upset black women as much as it informs you about the damage that has been done to our collective psyches. Black men are chasing white women and black women are straightening their hair. Who are we trying to be? We look to look at our African history. If black women were looking within themselves they would realize the psychological warfare being waged on all of us and then would combat by refusing to buy into the negative media stereotypes of ALL black men. Some things are tolerable in a relationship but you should not be supporting someone that doesn’t support you emotionally. You are a case and point on this matter. Why are you tolerating this man? I believe it goes back to low self-esteem. It seems almost everyone has some these days but people with healthy self-esteem don’t tolerate this behavior from their mates because they would rather be alone than in an abusive relationship.

    The main reason I’ve seen that most black men date white women is the sex. The average white woman is much more open and “freaky” in bed than the average black woman. I don’t know if most black women are just more religious, sexually conservative or just don’t know what they’re doing in bed but I have found that to defininitely be true and my black male friends echo the sentiment. There are plenty of black female freaks out there but we’re talking about in general here. If I can be blunt for a second, most black women do not do anal, blowjobs, threesomes, facials, swallow, gangbangs or anything like that. Yes it’s considered nasty to many women, white and black, but like Chris Rock said once you’ve had freaky sex you can’t go back to missionary.

    You falsely assume I meet women at clubs just like every other black woman that has a problem with my statements. I have met black women at church, playing tennis, at social events, at the mall, at the library, etc. I do not look to hook up at clubs and bars. It’s a dead end. I’m not sure why you made that false assumption without knowing more about me. Maybe you are actually telling me more about yourself. I’m sure that won’t make you happy.

    I don’t dismiss the high rate of dropouts, deadbeat dads and incarceration of black males. I agree with you but black women buy into the media hype and berate brothers with their sista girls too much. Black women watch too much Oprah, Tyra and Wendy Williams who all hate black men in my opinion. I just advocate thinking for yourself instead of letting unhappy, insecure, miserable misandrists do it for you. I also would like to see black women stop blaming black men for being victims of racism. Yes black men often make matters worse but black women make it even worse than that by turning your backs on us when we need your support. What about sympathy? What about empathy? I don’t know if you’re Christian but if you are what about the teachings of Jesus? That doesn’t mean staying in abusive relationships but it does mean recognizing that racism is a significant and daily factor in how black men are viewed and treated in this country and worldwide. That is NOT our fault. Neither is it an excuse. It is just a reality and one that I wished black women were more sensitive to without viewing us as quitters, losers, complainers and race-card players.

    I never say anywhere in this article that I am referring to ALL black women. I am always careful to qualify my statements so not to paint any group with a broad brush. That would be silly and unprofessional. You are correct that this is a problem of the entire black community but I am speaking from the black male perspective. I do not know what it is like to be a black woman but I know one thing. If there is a way out of this mess black women will have to lead the way, not us. Look to Africa and you will see that matriarchal societies have faired much better than patriarchal ones. Men come from women. I firmly believe that but this sick culture of white male paternalism has poisoned everyone. Until women realize their worth does not equate to their bodies then we will be stuck in this mode. At the same time women should take care of their bodies because that is part of being an attractive women who wants to attracts the mates that are best for her. We are animals no less.

    The reason I mention Rihanna is because black women idolize her like she is the quintessence of a strong black woman, probably because she got beat up by Chris Brown and talked about it on tv. Rihanna is not a role model for black women. She’s a singer and performer. That’s all. She performs with an attitude but she is probably not like that is her personal life. It’s just a show. Black people and Americans in general are being brainwashed by Hollywood and the media.

    Black women tend to confuse being headstrong with being strong. Strong black women are loving, caring, thoughtful women like my mother. They don’t walk around trying to be a diva always looking for a fight with someone who disrespects them. They know who they are and they comfortable with it. They know disrespect is born of insecurity and dismiss it. When I say we live in a gender neutral society I am not espousing that fact. I hate the fact that we have to ignore the differences between the sexes in corporate America. It is unhealthy and unnatural. I also don’t believe the numbers of unwed mothers is necessarily a bad thing. What is bad is that they are single, in other words that the father abandoned them.

    Why are all these black fathers leaving black women and their children to fend for themselves? Immaturity? Difficulty getting along with black women? Lack of money? Defining manhood with fathering children? The answer is complex but I believe we all need to put the needs of children before our own. They did not ask to be here and yet I rarely see black women take out child support on black men. They tell me they don’t need any help from him. Well it’s not for black women to decide. That money belongs to the children and they need it.

    This is why I’ve basically hung my hat up trying to wake people up. Americans do not spend enough time inside their heads in quiet comtemplation. We should be thinking to ourselves “Who does it benefit to keep black people divided in this way?”. We should ask ourselves “Why our ancestors did not behave in this fashion?” We should question the motives of anyone who would seek to further undermine the black community for personal gain. I’m not seeing everyday black people ask themselves anything except why such and such a person did such and such a thing to them. It’s just like the saying says: “Small minds talk about people. Average minds talk about things and great minds talk about ideas”. Good luck in your endeavors.

  4. White women’s sexuality being superior to black women’s is largely a myth, in my opinion. Although my current partner is the only man I have ever slept with, I have never denied him ANYTHING he has requested in bed. Not once. We have sex at least once a day. If a white woman can give him anything I can’t, it must be some un-sexy, freaky nonsense like scat play. I’m no fan of missionary myself, nor are many black women I know. Where did you get this idea that black women aren’t freaky? The one’s I’ve dated certainly have been. I’d like to see the evidence of black women’s supposed frigidity, because I hear this repeated frequently and it seems to have no basis.

    I know not a single woman who looks toward Rihanna as a role model. Not a single one. Most women I know are busy defending Brown for beating her (because some black women are too stupid to recognize a worthless black man when they see one,) while others pity her for her situation; what appears to you to be idolization is mere sympathy. Do I sympathize with Rihanna for being beaten? Yes; I sympathize for anyone who has been. Why on earth would I, or any other individual, idolize her? She has done nothing that deserves praise, nor has she done anything deserving condemnation. I understand that you’re not referring to all black women, but I don’t know ANY black women who idolize her. Again, I question your perspective.

    I don’t watch Oprah, Tyra, or any of the other fools you mentioned. I don’t allow the television to do my thinking for me. I’m not a Christian, and I additionally think the black church causes more harm than good in the black community.

    You say racism is something black men have to tolerate on a daily basis. Of COURSE it is, but do you think black women don’t have to deal with it as well? Black men are viewed as ignorant, violent, and dangerous; however, they are also viewed as sexual and attractive. Black women are viewed as ignorant, violent, and dangerous, and on top of this are considered to be aesthetically repulsive and sexually frigid. Imagine having to deal with the hardships you must endure because of racism; then compound it by adding additional ones, and you will have some vague understanding of being a black woman.

    You say women must realize their worth is not confined to their bodies, and yet this seems to be all men acknowledge as being valuable. You seem to place little blame on men in any capacity.

    I assumed you met black women in bars because you complained, primarily, about black women’s behavior in bars (stating they weren’t assertive enough, mentioning the woman who assaulted her friend, etc.) And just as you claimed educated men can be thugs, well, women you meet in libraries can be hoodrats. You’re obviously just choosing the wrong women.

    Some black women say they don’t need child support as a defense mechanism because they are powerless to demand it, because the fathers refuse to pay. I do not believe MOST mothers do not receive child support because they simply do not want it. I am honestly in disbelief that you made that as a serious assertion.

    I don’t know why I’m bothering. Some black men will come up with any excuse to abhor black women.

  5. My response isn’t terribly thorough because I’m a med school student and I haven’t much more time to spend on this than I have already wasted, so I apologize that it is poorly written and misses a number of points.

  6. I only stumbled across this by reason of mistake to find a series of novel lines women use to not hang out with you personal experience toward me is I maybe come off too needy or move to fast. I hold nothing back ill late out everything and anything on a first date i know its a sure done deal so what reason would i have to complain. Well the reason of getting stuck in the friends zone around so many girls I only hear them bitch about men or the man they are with at the time of how he isnt mature or isnt ready for commitment the whole 9 of every complaint 85% of single women or women that are in bad relationships complain about when if they would set aside the excuse and give the guy they pushed to the side a chance they would find themselves VERY happy and not sitting the side lines of the dating scene or the shit relationships I know by now the grammar is killing people reading this SORRY! I know how to use it and where to use it but i find it very pointless in my mind. I hit the switch and let it roll keeping it real and not screwing around with sugar coat this or political that. that is one thing that this world has gotten to fond of political correct-ness this offended this person or that or blah blah blah lets take a poll on the next offensive thing a public figure does and see how many people really give a shit. the entire article was pointed at black women i dont know where this column is normally set or who the target audience is or if its just a blog but its not just black women that have this issue of a self centered world all races of women feel that are owed something men are the same way its just the F’d way society has trained is generation after generation my last relationship of 3 years was a interracial couple me in my mid 20s white and my gf mid 20s black ya we both had our faults and issues and it seemed that society was a bigger hit on our relationship than ourselves. Her family was not proud of the idea she was dating a white guy, and the community we lived in white and black did not accept us its just society and not just a single race or gender women want more power like men,men refuse to give it up and men and women but heads cause women are less submissive they want a man but couldnt really handle an old fashion man they are to independant these days and will now submit but still want that type of control to make it simple they want their cake and eat it too cant happen wont happen get over it and men in general wont let them have it. im dont rambling making no sense and rolling through subject to subject with out pause or point.

  7. The women submission is a myth as well. Many women worked outside of the home. The whole woman’s place is in the home came around the early 1900’s because it was cheaper to pay immigrant white men over American White women. Also there are many cases where men divorced or complained about their wives not being submissive and that was in the 1800’s.

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